Wife Maintenance (How to Piss off a Woman)

Gents, if you cannot understand women, let me enlighten you. Your wife requires very special treatment... The first thing you must do, before attempting to settle in with your wife is to take over the home. You must have a strong sense of leadership or the whole thing will not work. This should not look anywhere close to that of Jesus, Ghandi or Mr Churchill. It must instead be founded on the indisputed fact that you are better at making decisions because you are LOUDER than she is. Nothing motivates and inspires a woman better than a good, loud discussion. She may cry and hide her feelings behind her stoney glare but...it's only a sham. Trust me. After you have established that you are the loudest and therefore the most qualified person to run the household...don't allow her to think she is unworthy or that you do not value her at all. She is of course quite intelligent or she would not have won a prize such as yourself, so do not let the media or culture attempt to tell her she is not capable of homeschooling. By all means encourage her to homeschool all of your children, all the way through school. All 12 of them, for all 12 years, and of course since she's intelligent and industrious...you have every confidence that she is going to do well on her own...so please do not try to help. She also needs to have constant feedback about her housekeeping and cooking talents, lest she waste her time trying to perfect meals that she already has down pat while neglecting the ones she could really use practice in. Of course she does not want your HELP, mind you, just your input. If you so much as fold a piece of laundry, she will become disoriented and will be likely to leave the entire basket undone, then will feel terrible the next day when your shirts are wrinkled. So please resist the urge to dust, do laundry, or cook breakfast, it will ruin her groove. Of course she might be a whiz at housework and cooking, and thus become bored at home. You must not allow her to neglect herself or her talents. You should manipulate the situation so that she can go to work full time. This way the two of you can enjoy monetary wealth and she will not have to drag out her housework all day in order to avoid boredom. Regardless of how tired she is when she comes home, do not help her, she will feel unfeminine and like a failure if she requires your assistance. This is her domain after all... Women also require constant information about your activities during the day and about the other women you work with. She is dying to know every last detail of that incredibly boring meeting you attended and about your secretary's new dress. She does not like to share the events of her day, even if she acts like she does by discussing it. She just feels that since you went out of your way to share with her, she has to reciprocate. Make it clear that you do not require this feedback so that she does not waste her time. Women also like to know their men know more than they do, regardless of how smart the woman is. When she acts like she is trying to outthink you, it is a challenge that you must overcome or she will not be able to respect you. Make sure you rise to the occasion or she will loose interest. Women also do not like being fawned over. If you dote on her, and she acts as if she likes it, she is humouring you. Don't constantly annoy her by attempting to help her do things, giving her compliments, or giving her gifts. By all means, never bother her while she is sick, she wants to be left alone in a dark room with no distractions so she can sleep. She also does not like having other people accomplish her work, so please do not do any dishes, laundry, housework or errands while she is sick. Even if she is laid up for a week, she wants to do these things for herself. Your wife loves television, cars, and mindless trivia about celebrities and anything else you like. She likes these things because she likes you and thus wants to know as much about them as possible. Make sure she understands the intricate nature of an engine and the basics of all football plays. Otherwise she will feel as though you do not wish to connect with her. She is bored with the topics of cooking, children and her favourite books because she has spoken to all her female friends about these regularly. Politics and religion are of course off limits as these tend to cause fights, do not do this. Concentrate on your own interests and you will be safe. Your wife is very proud of her mothering skills, do not second guess her judgements, offer her any help or give her advice. She will resent it in 50 different ways. It does not matter if she looks harried or frumpy at the end of the day, she should be encouraged and praised, but never ever helped. Contrary to popular belief, women despise being required to have manners. They want to have the freedom to belch, scratch private body parts, pass gas, cuss and run around in their underwear. Of course years of repression have made their mark and she will be unable to do these things if she is not given permission. She is not a child, so don't lead by words, she hates that, lead by example. In the end she will be very grateful you took the time to set her free. Women find it very manly for you to drink your milk or OJ straight from the carton, you should do so at every possible opportunity, preferably topless...in your oldest pj's or in a ripped up pair of jeans which are unbuttoned at the top. Make sure to allow some of it to drip down your chin, and by all means belch before placing the carton back into the fridge. No matter how badly you may feel about bringing this up, your wife wants to know when she has put on weight or when she is looking run down. She often does not have the time to concentrate on self evaluation and would like to hear it from you rather than from someone else. Conversely, it will embarrass her to know she has a run in her hose, body odour, or something hanging out of her nose, so please do NOT tell her these things. Believe it or not, your wife is subconsciously in competition with your mother. She may not even know this, but she has to know if she is reaching the same level of achievement as that sainted woman who raised you. Definately do not neglect to let her know of her progress. Your mother did not reach the pinnacle of her success overnight, your wife will not either. Your father had keep her abreast of her progress or she never would have gotten to be the woman you admire. Do not cheat your wife. If you love her, let her know how she compares to your mother, especially when your mother's standing is greater...this way she will know where she must improve the most. This also goes double in relation to ex wives and girlfriends. She definately wants to be better than these women and cannot expect to do so unless you let her know how she is doing and where she needs improvement. Do not attempt to ask for sexual relations unless your wife has been the beneficiary of my great advice. You will get the cold shoulder or she will give in only to please you but her heart will not be in it. Make sure you do all these things before approaching her for intimacy or she will not feel connected to you at all. And one last piece of advice...One of the greatest ways to turn your wife on is to ask for sex first thing in the morning when you are smelly from a good night's sleep and have morning breath. She will love the fact that you feel comfortable enough around her to "be who you are" even when you would never go out in public that way. She also loves it when you grope her when you come home from working out before your shower, immediately after fixing the car or mowing the lawn on a hot day. Grease, grime and sweat are aphrodisiacs. Swatting or pinching her butt in front of the kids is also a good way to win her affections. ...tongue placed firmly in cheek.... Lady Raven